- Hoobyar, Tom
2 principles of NLP
- there is no inner enemy
- all actions are done with good intentions (i.e., you are trying to survive)
- we all live in our own model of the world
kinds of thoughts:
- feeling (sensation)
- slow and thorough thinking
- memories change with each new recall
mental sticky notes (anchors)
- something to remind us of other things
- “I’ll do that tomorrow”
- when we learn, we generalize
- deletion: when mind ignores information
- distortion: when mind focuses on specific thing
- If it’s possible for one person to do it, it is possible for any person to do it. It’s only a question of “how”
we need to know the desired outcome first
- 1. What specifically do you want?
- 2. How will you know when you achieve what you want?
- 3. Under what circumstances, where, when, and with whom, do you want to have this result?
- 4. What stops you from having your desired outcome already?
- 5. What resources will you need to help you create what you want?
- 6. How are you going to get there — and what’s the first step to begin to achieve this result?
congruence and incongruence
- incongruence — when you experience an internal conflict and don’t know what you want to do (you want to go, or you want to stay)
- In NLP being in zone (or in Flow) is being congruent
- “When you fight with yourself, you tend to lose”
- Instead of fighting yourself, it is better to detect when you are incongruent and resolve the conflict
associated experience — you’re inside
- more intense
- do not use for bad memories
disassociated — when you’re outside of experience
- you still get most of the information, but not the emotional impact
- modalities — senses
submodalities — subtle differences in our senses (e.g., images could be big/small, bright/dim, or sharp/fuzzy)
- submodalities are “molecules of meaning”
- increasing image brightness usually increase good feelings
Depression problem (3Ps of depression):
- personal — happens only to me
- pervasive — no matter where we are
- permanent — forever
- feeling and emotions are optional
ask yourself every day:
- 1. What am I looking forward to today?
- 2. Long term, what am I looking forward to?
- 3. Am I doing things that lead directly to my goals?
- 4. Am I being my best friend and supporter?
- 5. Am I in my body and enjoying the gift of being alive?
- deep breath (breathe into it)
- hydrate your system and your brain (drink pure water)
- break tasks into small bites (e.g., pomodoro)
- notice and reduce resistence
Eye movement integration (to reduce resistence)
- draw infinity
- draw circle
- retry this (not sure if it worked for me first time)
- Keep a list of your Greatest Hits—things you’ve done that make you feel good about yourself. Revisit in associative way if you feel down.
4 habits (of Navy seals)
- focus on right now (short-term goals). do job directly in front of you
- imagine how good it will feel
- when all else fails, breathe deeply (6-2-6, in-hold-out)
- cheer yourself on
3 questions to ask to improve my communication (keep, remove, add)
- what do you like about communicating with me? what one thing would you keep?
- what you don’t like? what one thing you want me to stop doing?
- how do you think I could improve? what one thing I could add?
- See answers at How I Could Improve My Communications
GGNEE—first things we notice in other people
- gender, generation (age), nationality, education, emotions
- notice this and do not allow stereotypes influence your relationship
- Think of other people who are good company. What are their traits?
- To make someone comfortable, we must ourselves be comfortable
- Mirroring is not mimicking
- Try longer eye contact (gaze)
To be interesting, be interested.
- Try approaching other people with interest. Everyone is interesting. Try discovering as much information as possible without asking directly “hey, what are interesting for?”
- Ask questions. Try guessing—person either agree or correct and provide more information. Try guessing emotions, or how they feel about something.
5 steps to calm someone down__
- 1. Confirm an emotion: “I got this feeling that you are angry. I that true?”
2. Gauge how big it is for them and allow them to vent. “How upset are you?”
- When people are angry (or experience negative emotions toward you), ask how they feel. It doesn’t matter how they respond. What matters is that you give them a pass to vent
- 3. “What needs to happens for you to feel better?”
- 4. “What part can I play in making that happen?”
- 5. “What part can you play in making that happen?”
- You don’t have to be interested in that what other person is interested in. But you can be interested in their interest.
- Maintain space requirements
- Look at how other people communicate and what nonverbal signals they use
- People Place Information Activities Things
- Touch more
- Chapter 7 — write out 9 recommendations
- Reframe — hear what others say and redirect into more positive
When people express a generic complaint (e.g., I am bad at …), try to understand how they experience it.
It’s useful to drive them to the last time they experienced it.
- “When was the last time you experienced it?,” then ask what they experienced. (That will help them remember more clearly.)
- People’s outfit supports their story of themselves. You can ask about specific aspects to get to know how they feel about it.
- Switch between me/you/other perspectives to get a full picture of a situation.
Toxic people are people who do not have you-perspective.
- It’s usually not worth spending much of your time on them. Move them away from your life or accept they will never change.
- Listener instinctively associates with the protagonist and can’t help but experience what you’re telling. They will hear your point even if they don’t want to listen to it.